


Heroes

by icouldgonova



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Baz being a really good big brother, Crying, M/M, Simon is sad, Sour Cherry Scones, Watford (Simon Snow), baz is a better roommate than originally suspected
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 22:43:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11678619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icouldgonova/pseuds/icouldgonova
Summary: Simon Snow always knew he didn't want to be the chosen one; sometimes it just hits harder than others.





	Heroes

**Author's Note:**

> This is set in their Eighth Year at Watford, and pretty much complies with the Canon leading up to Baz's return. However, this is just meant to be a short little fic, and doesn't go deep into the events in the novel.
> 
> I hope you enjoy :)

It's late when I get back to our room from hunting. 2 AM, or just past. I've done this a million times, I know how Simon sleeps; I know when he has nightmares, how to get rid of them without waking him up, and I know how to move about the room without his noticing I've even come in. _I know._ Tonight it's different. I noticed almost immediately: he’s lying too still, and his breathing is irregular. He's awake. He doesn't turn to look. I get into bed, pretending not to notice. I usually fall asleep to the sound of his breathing, but I can't concentrate when I know he’s still conscious. I hear his breathing stop, and suddenly a low sob. It wrenches my heart right out of my chest. Simon Snow doesn't cry. He’s the chosen one, the Savior of the Mages. Simon Snow can’t cry. He eats sour cherry scones, and talks to Penelope, and kisses his perfect girlfriend with his perfect lips. I'm lying here in the dark, aching to hold him, because Simon Snow doesn’t cry. _I should go help him…He doesn't want my help._

“Snow?” I whisper

“Go _away_ Baz” he says, and I can hear him trying to swallow his tears.

“Gladly,” I respond, “but the problem is, we share a room, and I'm trying to sleep, but all I can hear is your crying." 

There's no reply.

“Simon…?” I say so low that I doubt he can hear. But he does. I don't think I've ever called him his first name to his face before, but it seems to put him over the edge. He’s full out sobbing now, like he's given up trying to fight it. It sounds like he's given up altogether. And it breaks my heart. _You don't have a heart, you monster._ “Simon _.”_ I say again. It's louder this time, and it's not a question _._ He gets out of bed and rushes into the bathroom _._ I follow him so quickly that he doesn't have time to shut the door _._ I don't know what to do with him, standing in front of me looking like the world ending. My world _is_ ending seeing the tears stream down his face. 

His magic is spilling out in waves, and it burns through me, though I know he can’t help it. Yet I want to be closer. I’ve always been attracted to flames, it makes sense that I want to be so near Simon that the heat kills me. If I don’t do something he’ll go off; his magic is too strong and too unpredictable.

(I’ve only ever been around one other person who was crying this hard. It was my little sister Mordelia. She’s seven now, but when she was younger she would have terrible nightmares, and wake up screaming. Our house is so big that it didn’t wake anyone up but me (vampire hearing and all). I would run to her room and hold her until she stopped crying. Then we’d make hot chocolate and we’d both fall asleep in my room. I don’t know if she remembers that now: we drive each other crazy, but I love her more than anyone thinks.)

It might not work on Simon. He might hate me or try to kill me. _Or he might think I’m trying to kill him._ But I can’t think of anything else to do and his magic could get out of control at any moment. I move so I’m facing him and pull him into me. He tries to resist but he’s crying so hard and I’m stronger than him. 

Then, Simon Snow melts into me and I’m stood against the bathroom wall, supporting him as he sobs into my chest. He isn't wearing a shirt, only pajama pants. And my shirt is far too thin. His skin burns against mine, but I don’t let go. _I will never let go. I have the sun in my arms and the sky can’t have him back._ We stand like that until he calms down enough to stand up by himself. Then I lead him over to his bed (with my hand on his back) and make him sit down. He’s still crying but it’s more controlled. He won't look me in the eyes. I wrap his blanket around his shoulders and say as gently as I can, “Don’t move or you’ll set the whole bloody school on fire. I’ll be right back.”

I run down to the kitchen as fast as I can. _Crowley, I can feel his magic all the way out here._ I find a sour cherry scone, and make a cup of tea. 

Simon is sitting where I left him when I get back with the tea and scone in my hands. I hand him the food and retreat to my side of room. Sitting on my bed seems safer than on his. He looks down at his tea, and then back up at me.

“Wh-why are you d-doing this?”

His stutter is back.

_Because I can’t bear to see you cry, idiot._ “Well, if I didn’t do something your magic would have killed us all, and we can’t have that.”

He laughs but it comes out more as a sob. His breaths are still shaky, and his eyes are red and puffy. _He’s gorgeous._ I want to hold him again, to protect him from the world. He takes a bite of his scone. “These are my favourite,” he remarks, more to himself than anyone else. 

“I know,” I say before I have time to think about it. He gives me a questioning look. “You eat them constantly.” I explain, defensively. 

“You prefer the chocolate cake…” he mumbles into his teacup.

I look up so quickly it hurts my neck. “ _How_ could you possibly _—”_

But he cuts me off by saying, “You aren't the only one who notices things.”

_There goes my heart, why don’t you just kill me now, Snow. I have nothing to lose._ “why were you crying?” I ask. He doesn't look up. I sit still, waiting.

Finally, I say “Look Snow, I know we aren't in the habit of sharing our deepest secrets with each other, but as your roommate I feel I have a personal interest in your not breaking down every night. You haven’t been yourself all day. You can’t hope to save the world of mages if you're this glum.”

He looks up then, and words pour out of his mouth. I can feel his magic spilling everywhere. “MAYBE I DONT WANT TO SAVE THE WORLD OF MAGES. I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS. I NEVER ASKED FOR ANY OF IT. STOP PRETENDING LIKE YOU CARE, BECAUSE YOU DONT. YOU NEVER CARED. SO JUST LEAVE. ME. ALONE.”

I feel all my anger rise up in me. _I should kill him. I should let him kill me._ “You know nothing about me, or what I care about.” I hiss, and leave the room, slamming the door behind me. I run into the catacombs, fuming. _I hate snow. I love snow. I hate that I love snow. I hate that snow doesn't love me. I hate me. I hate this world. I hate that I’m living in it._

I fall asleep in the catacombs. Snow doesn’t try to find me.

***

The next day I wait until I see Snow and Bunce walking away together before I go to our room to shower. Then I sit at my desk and try to get through all my homework. If I’m lucky, I can be out of the room before Snow gets back, and I won’t have to see him at all today.

_I’m never lucky_

Simon walks into the room way before I think he will. I’m still in the middle of writing a politickal science paper, and my head jerks up when he opens the door. I sigh and get up to leave without even looking at him when I hear a voice behind me. “Wait,” he says in a strangled tone. 

I look at him, and my heart melts right out of me. He’s pale and his eyes are red from last night. His hair is falling over is face and his hands are shaking. What a beautiful mess. I want to hold him until he’s alright again, because he’s so obviously not alright. _I could put you back together, Snow. I could put the world back together for you._

“Listen…last night,” he looks at me like he’s pleading for me to understand, “I was just stressed. The Mage wants to send me away and Penny thinks we should be _doing_ something about the humdrum and it’s just. Too much. Being the bloody chosen one is too much sometimes. I just want to be able to be Simon. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this, but just thank you for last night. It won’t happen again.”

“You don't have to—” I start, but I don’t trust my voice enough to finish

“Don’t have to what?” Simon asks, his voice shaking as much as mine wants to.

“Be anyone but Simon. Be anyone but you. Screw the Mage and his plans for you, he just wants to use you. Why do you think I always hated him anyway? You don’t have to _be_ the chosen one anymore.” _You don’t have to be my enemy anymore_ I add silently. 

“I always thought I had to live up to some great destiny. Like I have to be everyones hero. I never let myself think about what I actually wanted. Not until last night. And then I realized all this ‘savior’ stuff, I don’t want it. I never did. I…” He stops and looks at me, and his blue eyes are swimming and he looks so helpless.

“Oh Simon, if you’re everybody else’s hero, who’s going to be yours?” I say. I say it so softly. I don’t think I actually want him to here it, because if he does he’ll hear how I’m about to cry because he’s crying and he’s part of me. He’s the only part of me that I actually like. 

But he does hear. He steps closer to me and looks and looks and looks into my eyes. “ _You_ can.” He whispers.

I close the gap between us and his lips are hot against mine and I’m finally burning up, just like I’ve always wanted. I hold him tight. I’m going to protect him from the world. He’s mine now and I’m never letting go. I can feel his energy pulsing through me and he’s so alive, and I’m so alive. We’re alive together. He won’t let go of me and I feel his tears through my shirt but it’s wonderful.

“I’ll be your hero Simon. Forever and forever after that.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was the first fanfic I ever wrote (like a year and a half ago), but it's gone through some editing since then. 
> 
> I know it's not particularly well thought out or structured, but I love the idea of Simon's reluctance to be The Greatest Mage. And it was super fun to write!!!
> 
> If you notice any typos or such, or have any thoughts, please let me know!


End file.
